Man, it's been a long hard week. 

We started the week with school starting. I've enrolled the kids in a program that is a "virtual academy" virtual as in we have an assigned teacher that approves our curriculum choice, plan and goals for the school year and has weekly contact with each kid to report progress and lend advice and help if needed. But then all the teaching of the actually curriculum is up to me. 

So from our list of choices we choose the Calvert curriculum and then a few supplemental art  programs for the year. 

Calvert is good where everything is mapped out for me but as all the kids are in different grades with completely different lessons. It's been hard figuring out how to get them all done within the day and not spend 10 to 12 hours each day doing it. (you figure 4 hours each kid plus some for interruptions and all)

Anyway, slowly I am starting to get familiar with how calvert works and how I can effectively teach all the kids together and what I can skip doing and what I need to really do. 

Praying things smooth themselves out and I don't end up hating Calvert all year because I am in this for the school year no backing out or changing the curriculum now that we've started. 

HaHa, but I am already planning out how I want to do it different next year (and we've only been at it a week)

So, by the third day I was a bundle of emotions and spent the next two days miserable at the verge of tears and often spilling over for two days straight :( 

Couldn't sleep, almost fell asleep only to wake up startled from a vivid dream of those moments when Elias first stopped breathing. Ugh, I don't want to stay in those thoughts or dwell on those memory's only leads to tears and gut rot. 

Fri "day" was much better, I had been trying to go up to the cemetery for a few moments for a few days and finally had a chance to go which helped my day. 

I like going up to the cemetery just to be as earthly near Elias as I can. I feel anxious when its been too long in between going, like I need to make sure everything is okay there or something? Not exactly sure why I feel like that,  I know he and the cemetery aren't going anywhere. I think it's partially because it's all I have to take care of Elias still and because it's just comforting to be able to sit there by him. It's not the same way for Judah though so I know it's partially I feel about it. 

So, towards the evening (friday) though I started feeling depressed about it all again and after the kids went to bed and judah went to work I  just shut my brain off vegged in front of the computer watching movies, folded laundry and still went to bed way to late. 

Today the kids and I are going up to see Nate and Marielle play a concert, not excited really to be at a festival with the kids by myself but I haven't actually seen them since the funeral so if I don't go up there today I now it will probably be who knows how long before we see them. We are only two hours from them but I wish it was closer. 

Anyway, not sure how this next week will be. We did monday thru friday but I hope to get us on a mon, tue, wed, thur off, fri, sat, sun off schedule so we can have a day off when Judah has a day off so we shall see if I can make it work. . .